Words of wisdom

I'd like to offer a belated welcome to my new nephew, who brought a little good news to our beleaguered globe by joining the world last week. He has an immense collection of hats already, and his dad is really into video games, and so things are looking up for this kid.

I feel that in keeping with the pace of modern life, I will already begin to dispense auntish advice, even though he is busy mastering the art of wiggling and crying and may not yet be responsive to my truisms. Let's hope we have a multitasker on our hands.

Nephew, know this about life:

• There is no perfect pen. You will keep trying new ones, stealing them from the office or occasionally splurging on one from Rite Aid, but all of them will disappoint you in some slight but distinct way, much in the way of every person you will ever meet.
  
  
• There will come a point when Drunkle Makry will tell you about the great '95 Mariner Division Series against the Yankees and perhaps he may make you watch the old VHS tape if it has not yet been eaten by dust mites. Agree that no modern baseball moment will ever match it.
  
  
• If you ever want a dog, ask for a pug because I happen to know your parents like them and probably this would be the type of dog you would have the most luck talking them into.
  
  
• Understand that no hand-cut chipotle salsa at some mexi-fusion chain restaurant with ceramic howling coyotes in bandanas on the tables will ever surpass a 12 ouncer of La Victoria taco sauce, medium strength. They have been making this stuff since 1917 so you know it's not some salsa-come-lately.
  
  
• Know that your father wrote the book on precocious sarcasm, which means that you are genetically predisposed to start saying things like "what's for dinner there little ma... frozen?" at age 7, which your mother will really, really not like. However, remember that she is a police officer.
  
  
• Figure out early how to turn your hobby into a job, or you will either end up committing crimes for cash, or sitting through 40 years of meetings in beige corporate offices, listening to management drones talk about "needs wheels" and synergy while you seethe and send futile SOS communications to your friends with faddish digital devices under the table.
  
  
• Go to college, and take the year abroad.
  
  
• Grandma and grandpa's dogs ARE obnoxious but don't tell anyone. Also when they tell you that your auntie is to blame for the fatter one, know that this is a lie and that you can always trust auntie to tell you the real story.
  
  
• Do not let anyone drag you to a U2 reunion show at a sports stadium or tell you about the halcyon days of 80's college rock unless it is Drunkle Makry on the subject of the Replacements, in which case you should nod and agree. Actually he is right about the Replacements although it took me 7 years to realize it. Give it time.
  
  
• Just because no one ever listens to auntie's great advice doesn't mean you shouldn't buck the trend.
  

This is just the beginning of the great wisdom transfer, oh nephew. I may bind these sage-isms into a book for your future reference, in case you are having trouble focusing your irises or contemplating compound sentence structure at the moment.

Love,

Auntie