Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Like a hurricane

The last and only time I saw New Orleans was in September of 2002. Corporation X had flown 100 of us there and put us up in the Wyndham New Orleans at Canal Place downtown, right across the street from Harrah's, for a week of training-style meetings, Power Point presentations, spooky morale event graveyard tours, and unscheduled bouts of employee drinking. What no one had planned for in making these arrangements, however, was the arrival of Hurricane Isidore.

Downtown shops began to dutifully board up their storefronts and send home their employees a day after we arrived. In some cases they seemed to do so with a joking air, as though it were a rote schoolyard fire-drill. Tourist attractions closed. Bourbon Street was eerily bereft of tourists. Hotel guests were advised by remaining skeleton crew staff to stay inside the hotel as the storm was due to blow that night through town. Dinners and activities were tabled, and employees gathered, muttering, in the hotel bar to drink it out.

New Orleans got lucky that day. The hurricane lost its momentum on reaching the US, and was downgraded to a tropical storm. That night, it rained. Three of us ventured outside for only a moment and were instantly swimming-pool soaked, through our raincoats. The wind blew hard, hard enough to scare you a little when you held out your arms.

By morning it was over, and the sun came out. We likely walked to Mother's Restaurant for lunch, because it was back open again, and everything was, thankfully, business as usual.

Bring out the battle chickens

Behold tiny dog's Flak Magazine piece on the disturbing recent commercial in which chicken carcasses wrestle over Pepsi.

Update: You can also hear the podcast here.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The real reason Seattle traffic sucks

A moment in the life of the typical first vehicle waiting in line at a left turn arrow in Washington state, brought to you by tiny dog:
  1. Left arrow turns green. Car doesn't move.

  2. (Staring at floor of car, talking into Nokia flip-phone with "Bowling for Soup" ringtone.) "So anyway, right, uh huh! Totally. Right. It was a latte but I put Splenda in it and not Equal. Ahahahahaha! Right. Hahahahahahahaha! Splenda is the same except different. What? No way! Hahahahahahaha! That is awesome! Yes I got skim milk. No, I don't like soy. It tastes like dirt! Huh? Julie hang on, someone is totally in this tiny ass Mini Cooper honking at me and I have no idea what his problem is."

  3. Flips off Mini, returns stare to floor of vehicle.

  4. "Anyway yeah I totally like the huckleberry syrup too. It's kind of like the blueberry but more huckleberry-y. Oh shit, hang on, he's still honking. HEY WHAT THE F*** IS YOUR PROLBEM AUSTIN POWERS! Some people can be so f**&% rude. Anyway where were we? Ahahahahahahaha! No way! Loganberry is so not a berry. You're making shit up."

  5. Glances up. Notices stale green arrow.

  6. Sits there, unncomprehendingly.

  7. "Uh huh. Yeah but just a little bit of foam but totally extra hot. They never make it extra hot and it majorly pisses me off." Fishes around in cup holder for lip gloss.

  8. Looks up again, puts hand on steering wheel as if considering a turn.

  9. "What!!!! Ahahahahaha! Are you f&^% serious!" Light is now yellow. Inches car out into intersection at snail"s pace. "She spilled it WHERE? Was it a Venti??"

  10. Waits for light to turn red.

  11. "That is so not going to come out of those linen pants."

  12. Suddenly bolts left, almost colliding with oncoming traffic, and leaving subsequent cars stuck behind light.

  13. Repeat.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Bagged and tagged

Much is made of boys and the things they collect. Entire cultural reference points revolve around mint-on-card Boba Fett action figures and obscure 78 rpm vintage jazz recordings, and the airless, dust-jacketed worlds that grown men build around their reflex to hoard and catalog defunct moments of cultural perfection.

We accept that women as a gender mostly do not covet their childhood collectibles. Typical things that girls acquired are seen as disposable, and have no future cultural resonance. Let's take stickers as a case study. No more disposable and artless than your typical cheap baseball card or mass-produced superhero comic, and yet the thought of an adult woman placing stickers into "golden age" polypropylene archival sleeves with ph-balanced backing boards is laughable. There is no Android's Dungeon of stickers in your hometown. There are no sex comedies about middle-aged sticker collecting spinsters living in their parents' basements. There is no StickerCon.

Like most pre-teen girls, I kept sticker albums, organized by theme and brand, and had distinct opinions about the merits of various designers, e.g., I detested Lisa Frank, purveyor of fussy airbrushed unicorn and Betty Boop fantasy-scapes, essentially the Thomas Kinkade of the sticker world (and yet, the completist within drove me to collect these too).

I can only presume it is by virtue of my gender that I have not turned such experiences into a present way of life. Yet my collection remains, cataloged in part today on tiny dog to honor my fellow females, and their unsung gift for letting go.

Friday, August 26, 2005

The truth hurts

It's comforting to know that the future of American reproductive rights for women is in the hands of people who go bat sh*t crazy when presented with impartial data published in a medical journal.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

OoL: Origin(s) of Life

OoL, Origin(s) of Life, in production this August, is a new handimated short film, dramatically illustrating theories behind the origin of life from a microbial perspective. It is soon to be brought to a random West coast film festival near you by the creative team of Raven and Brandon, collective experts in biochemistry, toy-based filmmaking, and the construction of elaborate characters and props from bolts of sparkly fabric and popsicle sticks.

By way of explanation, I had wanted to hyperlink "handimation" to some brilliant Wikipedia dissertation on the topic, but the internet is surprisingly bereft of data about this popular filmmaking technique, in which hands move objects around, e.g., those persistently ticket-hawking paper bags of Fandango infamy. Suffice it to say that Brandon has a storied history of handimated filmmaking and set design from his long-distant days in the choose-your-own-major program of a chimerical Californian university, followed by years of editing films as a profession, and thus brings some heavyweight credentials to the handimation craft. For her substantial part, Raven has an impressive biochemical education and a mean way with a needle and thread, forming both the backbone of OoL's scientific ideals, and the form and substance of its principal characters. More of her creative work in the arena of science can be seen at madewithmolecules.com.

Various novice voice talents have been drafted to play key roles; see more at the tiny dog flickr photo stream. Tiny dog herself is potentially up for a role or two, and brings to this effort her experience as "Doll #2" in Brandon's notorious 1994 doll-based murder mystery, "Another Day."

Stay tuned for future updates on the making of OoL, and its eventual triumphant run in a random film festival in your neighborhood. In the meantime, see the trailer here.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Let the nano-harassment begin

It might seem a little early to start thinking about this now, but you might need the lead time to talk yourself into it. I'm referring to Nanowrimo, the annual attempt by thousands to write a 50,000-word novel in the month of November, something that I have twice attempted, resulting in questionable mountains of prose about muddled anti-heroes on unclear personal quests. As a veteran nanowrimist, I am here to kick off the official campaign to Talk You Into It, being that your first reaction will of course be, "no way in hell," "I have nothing to say," the perennial, self-important favorite "I'm too busy," and other commonly cited excuses for not writing a novel in four and a half weeks.

Why do I want you to participate? Because this year, I plan to blog the novel in progress, adding more real-time prose-waste to the landfill of internet narcissism choking the www, and I don't want to do it alone. For two years I have toiled in solitude, crashing protagonists into freeway dividers and pairing them in unseemly and cringeworthy sex scenes, and I have had no one to read it and say "man, that sucks" along the way. Nor have I ever had the pleasure of reading someone else's train wreck in those numerous November moments when I could no longer stand the sound of my own fingers on the keyboard. For two years, I've been like that sad guy who sailed around the world in a tiny sailboat, alone, with nothing but a short wave radio and some power bars. And although I suppose he made it, there was no one there to high five him when he saw the shore. And that's just sad.

So come on, people. Don't make me do this alone one more time. Start outlining your characters and/or plot right now, and I'll see you on November 1st.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Land of the free (press)

Some of the first real pictures I have seen of the Iraq war, 2 1/2 years into the conflict, from an American news source.

Happy birthday, little pal

I am sure you remember that this was a lemon bundt cake, which was your designated birthday cake flavor, and afterwards we went to the mini golf place, you know, the one with the giant fiberglass head with the sombrero. It was of course, probably 100 degrees outside on that day, quite possibly 30 years ago today. How time flies, little pal.

Happy birthday.

Friday, August 19, 2005

The boys of summer

On an evening walk yesterday, I occasioned to see six different male caucasians, age 15-17, loitering around the neighborhood in two separate packs. It was as if all of them had frantically text messaged one another before leaving the house to coordinate their look down to the most exacting detail, because I could in no way whatsoever tell any of them apart other than mild haircolor variations.

Thus I present to you here the well-heeled teenage suburban male fashion zeitgeist of summer '05:

  • Oversized "tea length" cargo shorts that hit just below the knee, back side pulled down to reveal rumpled boxer shorts.

  • XXL polo-type collar shirts, pulled halfway down over random print t-shirts, as though the wearer had gotten dressed in the back seat of a car. Collar is to be tentatively, noncommitally turned up in back partway, as if by accident, imparting to the wearer a hint of James Spaderian alpha-preppie menace circa 1985.

  • Shaggy, girlish, Chris Makepeace summer camp hairstyles, the kind that used to piss off tense, button down dads in the 1970's.

  • Nondescript, dark-colored clompy skate shoes with the laces tucked in, and short, white ankle socks.

  • Baseball hats smashed down on the longish hair, bill pointed forward, but cast slightly to one side, at some specific angle. Note: these are not sports team hats, but rather hats bearing sports logos for individualistic, board-based sporting activities.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Gold as the color

Nobody makes cooler compliation CDs than Nup. See what I mean? How can you have a crappy birthday with a compliation CD as cool as that? You can't.

While I am on the subject of promoting his efforts, check out the trailer for the upcoming handimated feature film, OoL: Origin(s) of Life, that he is creating with Raven, concerning the ponderings of a trio of microbes on the mystery of our existence, and coming soon to a random West coast film festival near you.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Maintenance Men

When I was in college, there were these two guys in a neighboring dorm who were determined to live the early 90's hipster lifestyle to the hilt. On every given day, these dudes, whose names I entirely forget (odds favor that one of them was a Jason), were decked out in a melange of conflicting popular disaffected cool dude styles, culminating in an overall effect that could best be described as punkabilly Danny Zuko skater boy: sideburns, check. Crispy, shellacked Vince Vaughn hairstyles: check. Comically oversized pants with torn pant cuffs and dangling pocket chains: check. Gas station attendant shirts from Thriftway with iron-on name patches, once belonging to guys with actual jobs: check. One of them may have even had Buddy Holly horn rims with the lenses punched out, I'm not too sure. My friend Peter, a sardonic classics major with a yen for reading inscrutable Greek tomes, wryly deemed them "The Maintenance Men."

These inseparable dudes seemed to spend most of their time mugging around the quad, squinting as the late morning sun harshed their hangovers, and bragging about random ass-kicking exploits befitting two 20-year-old guys getting a lightweight liberal arts education on their parents' dime, while clomping around in $100 work boots designed to repel industrial chemicals on construction sites.

This morning while drinking coffee, I suddenly remembered The Maintenance Men out of the blue, apropos to nothing, and laughed out loud.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

A Wren's ditch battle plan

2003's The Meadowlands is one of the best records I've ever heard. It's beautiful and world-weary, and incredibly written, and somehow is just an entire stair step above other records of its ilk, in some way I can't define.

I arrived in medias res to the saga of The Wrens, a New Jersey band who have been involved in a record label dispute for many years, which is currently preventing newcomers like me from hearing either of their first two albums, Silver and Secaucus. A campaign has been waged by the faithful to free the catalog, which I hope has some success.

A documentary film of the band and their struggles is in the works, for those interested-- and that should be you, if it isn't already. The site has audio clips which I encourage you to listen to if you are not already a fan.

And, in case you are looking for one more reason to like The Wrens, they write back to dorky fans who send them e-mails.

Friday, August 12, 2005

We were liars in love

You know you have some embarrassing stuff on your iPod, among the cooler than thou selections. If you're my age it's probably stuff from the 80's, furtively purchased on iTunes or taken from a 10-disk 80's CD set that you got last year for Christmas, with a title like "Omigod, It's the 80's," or "She Blinded Me With Music." In my case this would be the Hooters.

You know the songs I mean, of course-- that handful of shameless hits from your school days of listening to boisterous top 40 DJs, biting your nails, wondering if you should call in and request "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper, and anonymously dedicate it to that stuck up sophomore football player with the sleepy eyes who didn't know you were alive, even though you were a junior. But: the last laugh is on him, as these things often turn out. He has been spotted within the last decade serving up chocolate covered Gummi bears behind the candy counter at my hometown Cost Plus, this being presumably, his career. Guess the Dallas Cowboys passed.

Note: this is purely a hypothetical anecdote.

Where was I? Right, the Hooters. Put me in a Chevy Nova with my old spiral permed C-list girl friends from high school, and crank up "Day by Day" or "And We Danced," the two peerlessly awesome mandolin rockers from this defunct, mulletized party band, and for the entire three-minute length of either one of those songs, I was feeling the gale force top-40 wind in my hair, probably accompanied by some utterly shameless Walter Mitty style fantasy of romantic intrigue that no archetypically indifferent, slack-jawed high school boy could ever make true, damn all their stunted souls.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Angels and Fuselage

See, now what did I say about the fallacy of first impressions? I have this pal Scott, who is a heavy metal kind of guy, that is to say, a thinking man's metal head, and upon reading my evisceration of "Southern Rock Opera" responded that the album was in fact worthwhile, particularly the last song on disc 2, "Angels and Fuselage."

Now listening to this song is kind of like skipping ahead to the last chapter of Harry Potter, book 7, and finding out that Voldemort is really Harry's dad, cause it's the part of the Lynard Skynard story where the plane goes down, in other words, the End, capital E. In listening to this song with renewed ears, I have skipped the rise and plateau of our heroes, and all of their boot-scootin' tour bus hijinx and bar brawls and slo-mo swan dives into Thunderbird whiskey barrels, arriving just in time for their last mortal reflection on the price of fame as the jet engines cut out. And so I guess I mean to say I haven't really paid my dues, and will likely still dislike this album on the whole.

But Scott's right. Angels and Fuselage gave me chills too. Mea culpa, my friend.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I hate record reviews

Recently, I've bought a bunch of albums and have kind of become interested in how first impressions differ greatly from 10th impressions, in terms of records. Case in point: I bought Nada Surf's recent thing, what the hell is it called, on the appeal of the single "Blonde on Blonde" awhile back, and found the record palatable right away, sort of like if you were introduced to a patently good-looking person, not necessarily one that appealed to you personally, but appealed more to the general cultural aesthetic sense. "Bad sign," said the spouse. He was right: I don't listen to that record anymore.

On that note, here are off-the-cuff reviews of my recent record acquisitions, after a single listen. I may later change my mind. Except for the last one.

Kathleen Edwards: Failer

Hmmm... she's better live. I saw her last weekend and she has a great voice. Where is the sad electric mandolin? Why are the vocals mixed down? Enough of the world weary bar babe lyrics! Sigh.

Xiu Xiu, La Foret

Scary church bells from spa waiting room meditation CDs. Twitchy muttering. Personal issues. Freakish clanging sounds from unidentified musical sources. If there were a cat hiding under a bed in a haunted house, slowly losing its mind, and it put on a CD, this would be it. I think this means I need to keep listening.

Arcade Fire: Arcade Fire EP

Man, this is terrible. No, that's a damned lie, of course. It's wonderful. I adore plucky chamber pop musical product like every other yuppie sheep, what can I say. "No cars go" is a great song. And pretty much so are the others. Instruments listed on credits insert include stomping and birds.

Calexico: Feast of wire

Admittedly, I didn't buy this one personally, but overheard it at a friend's. Thus far I have heard two relentlessly catchy singles from this band (which you can download for free, remind me to add the link) and I'm going to admit right here that I like songs that commit to being songs, rather than soundscapes, mutterings, noodlings, and related art house soundtrack noise machine settings. This record, sadly, is of the latter type, much to the wriggling thrill of fellow humorless musicians and barren western landscape dreamers and people who make bad indie films in which nothing happens, but I think it's weak.

The Drive By Truckers: Southern Rock Opera

This is the worst CD I have ever bought. It's a double album concept record thing, about some Lynard Skynard kind of band and all of the violence and booze and chicken fried context there implied, but is written without a trace of irony, so that it's like listening to an actual double album from Lynard Skynard, except no cool songs like "Shooting Star." (Correction: A friend informs me that "Shooting Star" is a Bad Company song. Ok, so maybe I don't have a real firm grasp on radio friendly southern rock anthems...)

Monday, August 08, 2005

Pigwink

Behold, the number one reason you should never use Instant Messenger.

Pigwink.

Everybody stay calm!

I am currently writing a story about a guy who flips out on an amusement park log ride. I know, it sort of sounds like that ferris wheel episode of Emergency, a show that demands you find a way to mention the name of its star EMT, actor Randolph Mantooth, simply because he has such a kick-ass name. It will be hard not to write a scene where his character, John Gage, yells into a megaphone: "EVERYBODY STAY CALM!"

Anyway, in doing research, I found this site, which is, for all I can tell, one man's epic catalog of amusement park manglings and mishaps, apparently sponsored by no group in particular, making it, I suppose, some kind of ghoulish hobby site.

Thought I would share this with the masses in case you planned to wedge in a trip to Six Flags before Labor Day.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Will I ever shut up about that fish?

There comes a time in every relationship when you realize that the probationary period is safely past, and it makes sense for that person to keep a toothbrush in your bathroom, so that they stop using yours.

So too it is with goldfish, once they are out of the ZOID, or Zone of Imminent Death. Fish, as everyone knows, are unique in their propensity for sudden death. Unlike mammals, which usually cough or stagger, or live in adult care facilities for years, hooked up to tubes, fish can transform from swimming blissfully to rigor mortis while your back is turned. (It helps if you keep them in dirty ceramic cisterns in your yard, but I digress.) After a time though, once the red shirts in any group of new fish have peeled away from the school, so to speak, and you are left with the remainders, at that point you are possibly stuck with looking after the critters until the terminus of their true lifespan, which can, in the case of goldfish, be up to 25 years.

Another sobering fishkeeping fact to consider as one settles down for long term commitment is that the common feeder goldfish, which starts out at maybe an inch and a half, can grow to one foot in length. I find this a grim thought... the notion of wrestling a foot-long creature with a fish net while cleaning its tank leaves me a little unsteady. The little bastard already fights like a swordfish, and he's only maybe 3-4 inches long. (Which, ominously, is twice the size he was back in the ceramic-cistern-of-death days.)

Now that NN#3 has failed to expire, I fear that I have grown attached, which naturally means that I feel a sense of guilt about his inner life and personal needs. Case in point: he begs for food. Whenever he sees me approach, he does a frantic zig-zagging dance of joy at the thought that I might throw some fish pellets in the tank, sort of how I act about a cup of coffee at about 2:30 pm. Does this mean that I am slowly starving him despite twice daily, fortifying pellet showers? Or has he merely borrowed some manipulative moves from Nora, the ultra-hellish, table-begging min pin? Can a fat fish really be starving?

There is also this matter of his friendlessness. Every fish tank is a potential hot zone of fish-melting biohazards, and the addition of each new fish induces wild fluctuations in the mysteriously precarious chemical balance of the water, making each new playmate possibly akin to slashing a bubble boy's bubble, and throwing Pig Pen in there to make some mud pies. And yet, what does a lone fish think about all day with no companions save for a humming tank filter, some plastic seaweed, and a blown glass fish about which everyone asks, "what the hell is that doing in your fish tank?" I try not to think about his existential musings, and yet when he seems so overjoyed at my presence, even after I throw the fish pellets at him, I have to wonder: does he remember the muds? What did they used to talk about in the ceramic tank? What were their last words? (Well, I *am* feeling a little morbid after finishing Harry Potter 6... could it have had a more sadistic ending? Answer: no.)

Yes, I acknowledge that this fish is playing my neuroses like a Stradivarius and that is because I am now committed to the quite possibly illusive notion that he has graduated from the ZOID, and we are in it for the long haul. This is my worst personal trait on display: secret hope in the face of scant reassurance.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Welcome to Conditioning

I just witnessed a certain friend of mine doing a robot dance to Howard Jones' "Conditioning," the first track off of HoJo's maiden 80's effort, "Human's Lib."

It was awesome.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Wherever you go, there you are

For many years, I have made my living lording over vast repositories of content topics that migrate from database to database in unflagging pursuit of the elusive yet sexy site/portal/search engine du jour, a homeland that promises to elevate content beyond mere words, and into a stratosphere of shareholder rapture, in which tech support lines lie fallow, and customers experience unfettered joy welling up from deep within that forgotten place in their hearts where love goes to die.

Appropriately then, I have just electively spent my unpaid hours project managing a tiny dog site migration to a dreaded blog platform intended to make updates easier for me to execute, without also offering, in tandem, a noticeable uptick in the brilliance, interest, or even frequency of my posts, and I am expecting you to be happy about it.

I think its apt that you now listen to a certain blogging anthem written by a friend as you contemplate this state of affairs.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Q & A with tiny dog

Q: Tiny dog, rumor has it that, regarding the creation of your recent beta site, in which one can avail oneself of a site feed and obnoxious picture gallery, and which is hosted by your own ISP and not the default Blogger thing, that you in fact set the whole thing up, without the help of "the designated technical gender," otherwise known as men, which was in fact even true of your original, hand coded debacle of a site, consisting of thousands of pages tenuously linked by hand-typed URLs.

A: That is entirely correct and tiny dog thanks you in advance for your nod of surprised admiration. Although I did not design the banner. No sir. That was Nup, in fact, a member of the DTG.

Q: Are you really smart?

A: No. I recently got a score of 51% on a European geography quiz and would probably score even lower if I had to place U.S. States.

Q: That is really sad.

A: I know.

Q: Is Blogger causing you to be less introspective about what you post, like a meth-addled thug with a junk gun?

A: You be the judge.