Does a bear s**t in the woods?

I have always been freaked out by this toilet paper campaign.

These toilet bears, as everyone who watches TV is aware, tend to gleefully scroll off wads of this premium rump-wiping product from nearby tree branches before skipping off to do their business in the brush. Something you may not know, however, unless you frequent cynical corporate web sites for personal care products, is that each bear allegedly has its own quirk. Leonard, for example, is "known for the cha-cha Charmin butt-wiggle dance," whereas Molly "dislikes finding an empty Charmin roll." Whatever happened to that dude who simply went around squeezing four-packs of TP during commercial breaks in the Six Million Dollar Man when we were kids?

Not to be outdone, Northern has busted out with its own animated ass-cleansing mascots (asscots?), The Quilters: Marcy, Sally, and Laverne. You can waste even more time on this site than on Charmin's meet the bears, as each Quilter features an excruciatingly slow and irrelevant flash animation allowing you to randomly turn on lamps in their homes.

How this sells TP, I cannot say.