Christmas card troubleshooter

There comes a time in every person's life when they wonder whether it's no longer socially acceptable to claim to be "too busy" to send out Christmas cards. The truth of modern society, my friends, is that the busiest among us tend to send out the greatest volume and most elaborate of cards, so start looking for another excuse, if this is yours.

It is possible that you can continue to claim one of the existing, rare exceptions to playing the Christmas card game without secretly irritating everyone you know. See the list below to determine whether you qualify. If not, however, I am saddened to inform you that it's time to sharpen up the Christmas card quill.

1. Are you devoutly, outwardly religious, but neither a Christian nor an atheist?

This is a good one to play, if you can. No one wants to offend an adherent to an underrepresented religion in these politically sensitive times. Sadly, this exemption can't be faked. No one is going to buy that you are suddenly Hindu after years of indifference to Brahman. Atheists cannot claim an exemption to Christmas, which is both strangely a Christian and a secular occasion.

Note: being hip and irreverent is not a religion, and cannot excuse you from acknowledging friends and family at the holidays.

2. Are you under 30?

Generally speaking, excuses for not sending Christmas cards after the age of 30 tend grow a little threadbare to the ears of established friends and relations. Women are generally expected to send out Christmas cards as soon as they stop couch surfing in their early 20's and find a semi-stable residence from which to send and receive mail. Look, I don't make the rules, ladies. If you neglect to send out cards past this point, people are going to think you need to get your shit together.

If you're a dude, you might think you're exempted from ever having to send out cards, no matter what your age. This is possibly true; see exemption 3. If you can't claim exemption 3, please proceed to the nearest Hallmark.

3. Are you a male in a cohabitational relationship with a female?

If you're a dude, you may be able to indefinitely postpone card-sending responsibility, provided that you are in a cohabitational relationship with a woman that has lasted long enough for people to refer to you as ___ and (your name). In this instance, social mores will most certainly expect the woman to send out cards on your behalf. You can also ride your partner's coattails regarding gift buying and social arrangements with nary an eyebrow raised by anyone. Play this hand for all it is worth, for it is one of the primary benefits of being male.

Allow me to re-state: just being male does not exempt you from sending cards. Single dudes have only one exemption to consider from this point on: the loser exemption.

4. Although you are over 30, do you still accept "loans" from your parents, and use a milk crate as a TV stand? (a.k.a., the loser exemption)

There are always people who will scamper like rodents from adulthood and its mandatory Christmas paperwork, although the rule of yule will ultimately prevail. If you find yourself thinking that people don't expect cards from you because you are "still finding yourself" at age 41, know that you are fooling no one, Father Christmas least of all, and that You and Your Losery Ways are in fact topic #1 at the family Christmas gathering that you were too flaky or possibly stoned to attend. Just think, you could buy your way out of this quagmire for a roll of stamps. Might want to think about it, son.

Well folks, that's that. If you can't claim one of the above four exemptions, tiny dog will be watching her mailbox for your Yuletide greetings.