Everything you want. Everything you need.

Tiny dog has eyed a couple of cars in recent months, chatted with a couple of barracuda car lot dudes in ties, and decided, as a technical writer, that it should all ultimately come down to how the car brochures fare in a bare-knuckle brawl of marketing prowess.

Let the spin begin.

Best rhetorical question:

Car 1: "Do you yearn for the thrill of discovery?"
Car 2: "Is maximizing fuel economy your kind of fun?"

Tell me a little bit about yourself:

Car 1: "Brainy," "eager," "secure," "ready," "wide open"
Car 2: "Bursting with enthusiasm," "powerfully fun," "naturally nimble," "environmentally conscious"

Randomly described scene involving you and future car:

Car 1: "The new (car #1) is ready to play wherever your life takes you. Whether pulling into a drive-through or up to a club valet, it's equally at home."
Car 2: "It's Saturday. It's sunny. You've got to get out. Time to call your friends and hit the road. Or maybe there's no road where you're going. No matter."

Page 1's main marketing promise:

Car 1: "Everything you want-- and everything you need."
Car 2: "A decidedly more robust stance and new durable earth-friendly seat fabric."

Bonus feature:

Car 1: Flip and sip rear seat beverage holders
Car 2: Low-profile bug shield

Ratio of uninhabited wilderness scenes to wet-looking cityscapes

Car 1: 2 : 12
Car 2: 10 : 5

Nonspecific abilities the car will provide:

Car 1: "Become an instant expert in good taste"
Car 2: "Wander in the great outdoors"

Line that Milhouse VanHouten could plausibly say in a Simpson's episode:

Car 1: "There's plenty of (car 1) to go around!"
Car 2: No entry in this category

Bonus round: coolest exchange between me and the car salesman:

Car 1:

Me: "So, what are some reasons I should choose this car over car #2"
Him: "It's better."
Me: "Um, in what way, specifically?"
Him: "All ways."

Me: "My husband doesn't like the redesign."
Him: "Yeah, well, it's a car for women."

Car 2:

Him: "You think this is a good job? This isn't a good job."
Me: "Well kid, when I was your age, I worked at Round Table. Anyway, you probably meet some interesting people, no?"
Him: "Yeah, interesting is the right, uh, word I guess."


CONCLUSION

Car #1's brochure is slick. It's cocksure. It thinks it has me all sewn up. Car #2's brochure is insecure. It's optimistic. It wants to show me a good time, but it doesn't know how to ask.

Verdict: I love a nerd. Bring on car #2.