
There comes a time in every relationship when you realize that the probationary period is safely past, and it makes sense for that person to keep a toothbrush in your bathroom, so that they stop using yours.
So too it is with goldfish, once they are out of the ZOID, or Zone of Imminent Death. Fish, as everyone knows, are unique in their propensity for sudden death. Unlike mammals, which usually cough or stagger, or live in adult care facilities for years, hooked up to tubes, fish can transform from swimming blissfully to rigor mortis while your back is turned. (It helps if you keep them in dirty
ceramic cisterns in your yard, but I digress.) After a time though, once the
red shirts in any group of new fish have peeled away from the school, so to speak, and you are left with the remainders, at that point you are possibly stuck with looking after the critters until the terminus of their true lifespan, which can, in the case of goldfish, be up to 25 years.
Another sobering fishkeeping fact to consider as one settles down for long term commitment is that the common feeder goldfish, which starts out at maybe an inch and a half, can grow to one foot in length. I find this a grim thought... the notion of wrestling a foot-long creature with a fish net while cleaning its tank leaves me a little unsteady. The little bastard already fights like a swordfish, and he's only
maybe 3-4 inches long. (Which, ominously, is twice the size he was back in the ceramic-cistern-of-death days.)
Now that NN#3 has failed to expire, I fear that I have grown attached, which naturally means that I feel a sense of guilt about his inner life and personal needs. Case in point: he begs for food. Whenever he sees me approach, he does a frantic zig-zagging dance of joy at the thought that I might throw some fish pellets in the tank, sort of how I act about a cup of coffee at about 2:30 pm. Does this mean that I am slowly starving him despite twice daily, fortifying pellet showers? Or has he merely borrowed some manipulative moves from
Nora, the ultra-hellish, table-begging min pin? Can a fat fish really be starving?

There is also this matter of his friendlessness. Every fish tank is a potential
hot zone of fish-melting biohazards, and the addition of each new fish induces wild fluctuations in the mysteriously precarious chemical balance of the water, making each new playmate possibly akin to slashing a bubble boy's bubble, and throwing Pig Pen in there to make some mud pies. And yet, what does a lone fish think about all day with no companions save for a humming tank filter, some plastic seaweed, and a blown glass fish about which everyone asks, "what the hell is that doing in your fish tank?" I try not to think about his existential musings, and yet when he seems so overjoyed at my presence, even after I throw the fish pellets at him, I have to wonder: does he remember the muds? What did they used to talk about in the ceramic tank? What were their last words? (Well, I *am* feeling a little morbid after finishing Harry Potter 6... could it have had a more sadistic ending? Answer: no.)
Yes, I acknowledge that this fish is playing my neuroses like a Stradivarius and that is because I am now committed to the quite possibly illusive notion that he has graduated from the ZOID, and we are in it for the long haul. This is my worst personal trait on display: secret hope in the face of scant reassurance.