Background:

As a lifelong reader of comic pages, I've developed an enduring hatred for the cartoon Cathy.

I read it because my eyes are drawn to it out of the same instinct that causes people to slow down and gawk at traffic accidents, or watch those Nature of Death movies. She is an air-wasting, pathetic dork. Her entire personality is dominated by her obsession with what to wear and how fat she is. She is a terrible influence on women.

Her proponents (I've met one or two over my 29 years) have expressed to me that they think she is FUNNY, that I should get off my high horse and get the joke that it's a parody of the modern American woman). But my position is that it's been the same joke over and over for my entire life. It's not that funny. Sorry.

I am an easy person to make laugh; I LOOK for things to be entertained by; it is my GOAL to laugh, and I do not find Cathy funny at all. In fact, I'm suspicious of anyone who does.

I shouldn't be so judgmental, but you have to be aware of these women who yak on and on about how fat they are all the time. It can rub off on you, and this is a good way to waste your life. I think this anorexic model thing is a huge conspiracy designed to undermine women's lib. Call me a radical bitch lesbian, but that's the way I feel. Men have a much easier existence without this universal obsession with being fat to distract them from more meaningful concerns.

Why do you think men have invented most everything in the world? Einstein is off inventing gravity, and where was his wife? Probably at a Jenny Craig seminar, or frothing some Slimfast in a blender. It makes me sick to think about it. Cathy personifies all the stupidity that goes along with falling for this crap. Women should be ASHAMED that we are stupid enough to believe that we're obligated to fall into a certain body weight and waste any of our precious life energy thinking about that shit. DUH.

So it occurred to me one day that another famous person, who may not be a polar opposite of Cathy, but is definitely very different, is Martha Stewart.

Don't get me wrong, I know Martha is annoying in her own right, but AT LEAST she doesn't grovel in so much pathetic nonsense.

Think about it this way, if you had a choice between having Cathy for a friend or Martha Stewart, isn't the choice obvious? I'd much rather be Martha's friend and get invited to heaps of well-appointed dinner parties with those topiary reindeer everywhere than get stuck going clothes shopping with Cathy and have to listen to her whining in the dressing room. Barf! Martha can cook at least, since she's written God knows how many cookbooks and junk, and what has Cathy EVER done? A big fat NOTHING.

Since Cathy is written by someone uncannily also named Cathy, and I saw her on Donahue or something once a long time ago and she kind of looked like Cathy, I made a leaping assumption this cartoon must be based on her life, and any problem I have with the cartoon could be well-addressed by the human version of Cathy. So I wrote Cathy and Martha (don't worry, I was very civil to Cathy) and invited them to join me for a panel discussion of sorts. A better person might feel ashamed at the results, but needless to say, I am not a better person.

Unfortunately, Cathy was feeling fat that day, so I had to sign this form from her lawyer vowing that I wouldn't film the discussion, and there couldn't be a live audience. Also, I'm in negotiation with National Public Radio to air the audio transcript, so until then, the best I can give you is this hastily written transcript of our conversation.

Take me immediately to the interview!!

Back to the rants page

disclaimer
As any sane person would conclude, the interview is a work of fiction.

Back to top