December 19 , 2001

Dear Tiny-Dog,

I started to read with interest your essay, "Five Most Excellent Christmas Events." I was struck by the first one, that is to say, Event #5 (and not just because it's the only one). I find the conclusion somewhat curious that this remains a "good" memory for you. As I read it, one of two things may be happening here.

1) you harbored this belief in god (sic), took steps to fulfill the passion, and were thwarted by otherwise unconcerned parents. It seems a stretch here that a believer, as you seem to claim to be, would be satisfied with such and easy dashing of your beliefs. Which leads me to

2) you only want us to think you, at one time or another, believed in god (sic). Are we to take it that you take (or took) pleasure in the thought of our creator? And, if so, why is it so easy for you to cast that thought asunder?

I'm not sure where this leaves us. Are we to believe that the joy you found in "The Angel Perfume" anecdote is a derived by fighting the good fight against oppressors who would steal your belief by making you wash the perfume off, and thus, reduce you to sin in order to save face in front of the true believer? Or, are we to understand that your belief is a window dressing, a convenience that you use just in case you ever meet the creator? What will you say to Peter? Where is the joy? In the destruction and oppression, or in the easy abandonment of the basic tenets of faith? I ask you, have you given up on salvation?

Sincerely,
Cornelius H********g

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Dear Cornelius,

Where is the joy, indeed. May I stop first on that note and remind us all that this is a good question to ask oneself in many everyday situations.

Anyway, I may as well take this time to reveal the truth about the woefully unfinished "Five Most Excellent Christmas Events" piece before further viewers extrapolate any religious conclusions from the first and only installment, "The Angel Perfume." My people, it is time to confess. There was nothing most excellent about this or any of the future theoretical anecdotes, whatsoever. The truth in fact is that "The Five Most Excellent Christmas Events" merely became an ironic continuation of the five less fortunate Christmas events related in an earlier installment. As you may guess, "The Angel Perfume" was in no sense a positive experience; I was judged by my Catholic acquaintance who saw it fit to concoct a lie to reinforce my spiritual inferiority in her eyes; I then fell for this falsehood and was led to believe, tragically, that my own parents had destroyed my chance at eternal salvation by the imposition of their secular cleansing routines. It is this very type of hijink that turned me away from organized religion and the pious failures of mortal minds at a very early age, I would like the Weaver family and their church to take note.

Cornelius, it is readers like yourself, scrutinizing the seed of duplicity with your careful attention to detail, that this world desperately needs and I thank you for writing.

Signed,

tiny dog.

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