May 8, 2001

Dear tiny-dog,

I am a regular visitor to your website, which I enjoy very much. I am also a bee. As such, I must take strong exception to your "all bees must die" policy. Frankly, such a view can only be based on severe misapprehensions as to the nature and character of the bee community. Misapprehensions which, despite
your protestations of inflexibility on this topic, I will now attempt to dispel.

Of paramount importance is the fact that hornets are NOT bees! I can not stress this point enough. There are really vast differences between our two species, which are readily apparent to even a casual observer. For instance, while hornets are notoriously violent and bad-tempered, and are known to ruthlessly and repeatedly sting innocent passerby without provocation, we bees are peace-loving and non-violent types. In fact, bees will only sting as a last resort, and at great personal cost to themselves. In fact, considering that one sting on the part of myself or any of my fellow bees would mean instant death via self-evisceration, it should be apparent that bees, above all, know first-hand the terrible cost of personal violence. A hornet, on the other hand, can sting again and again, with utter impunity, and without
repercussion. Is it any wonder that hornets are hated and feared by the rest of the animal kingdom?

You would also do well to remember that those ugly, spherical nests, such as the one currently being built above your front door, are of the type built ONLY by hornets. Hornets, or possibly their even more unsavory and foul-tempered cousins, wasps - but NOT by bees! We bees always establish our hives in tasteful, out-of-the-way locations, such as an old tree stump, or in an abandoned toolshed. We have even been known to work in co-operation with humans, and build our hives in specially designated wooden boxes, so as not to offend. Try making such arrangements with hornets! Those heartless fiends would sting you before you could even begin to make your proposal.

I hope this will clear up any confusion you might have had regarding the differences between the two species. Though frankly, how anyone could mistake the grotesque, elongated body of the hornet with the quite attractively rounded and fuzzy form of the bee, is a mystery to me. I could go on, but let me just point out that bees and humans have lived in peaceful co-existence for thousands of years, without major incident.

It would be a shame if genocidal, knee-jerk views such as yours inflamed the fires of inter-species hatred, and caused some future tragedy. I believe that Tiny-Dog, being a prominent member of the media community, and one with the power to shape and mold public opinion, has a responsibility to refrain from bigoted, rabble-rousing, irresponsible statements, such as "all bees must die."

Thankfully, I have faith that the majority of your fellow humans do not subscribe to your views. In fact, I believe that bee-human relations are currently at an all-time high. From the adorable cartoon Honey-Nut Cheerios Bee, beloved by children everywhere, to Guided By Voices' delightful indie-rock album "Bee Thousand", there is ample evidence that mankind is as interested in, as influenced by, and as enamored with bees and bee culture as ever.

So, a final message to all of humanity: We bees mean you no harm. We seek only to be left alone, to pollinate and create honey in peace. We are capable of love and self-sacrifice. We are even capable of higher, abstract thinking, as your own recent scientific research has concluded. Abstract thinking is something that animals like dogs and horses are NOT capable of, yet WE are. So should we all be wiped off the face of the planet, we thinking, feeling beings? Even putting aside issues of honey-production and the fragile eco-system, can humankind really afford to destroy us, the humble bumble bee, knowing that such a act would, in the process, destroy the very thing that makes
you human?

I think not.

Hornets, on the other hand, are just awful. Kill as many of them as you
want.

respectfully yours,

bee arthur

________________

Dear Bee A.,

I am struck silent in the face of this sweeping defense of beedom, and cannot refute many of the issues you raise. There are many points to be taken in this letter about beekind, and I may have acted rashly in my call for beewide destruction.

it may soothe the savage bee-st to note that I have made a valiant attempt to single out the dive-bombing, front-door swarming Baldfaced Hornet as the recipient of the actual spray can of death purchased for tonight's ambush, and that no honeybees will be harmed in the making of this film.

Do note that I and others are aware of the "Africanized bee" scandal sweeping your docile ranks, however, and that it is no longer safe to distinguish between the fluttering, befuzzed flower-loving and industrial honeybees of yore and the swarming, vicious leagues of your Africanized honeybee cousins, who resemble you almost exactly except for that pesky habit of swarming defensless people and stinging them to death.

You may argue that tonight's one-man army of Baldface Hornet destruction is no worse than your Africanized, bloodletting cousins in this manner and perhaps you are correct. It has been an uneasy truce between our kinds these many years. However, as a person who has only been stung once, and by a docile honeybee in fact, I suggest to your kind that you might go a long way toward extending the olive branch of peace if you would simply convince your many beelike relations to simply stop with all the damned stinging.

signed,

tiny dog.

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