Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Starring: Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom

Stars:

I might want to start rating films (and other dubious forms of popular entertainment, like baseball) on hunk factor alone, as this often tends to be the primary appeal. If I were rating this film on that criterion alone, it would definitely deserve more stars.

PotC seemed like an ideal film selection for my week off, as the 'rents were visiting from distant Southern lands and thus I needed to select something wholesome, promising mass appeal, and yet not so totally stupid as to drive me from the theater screaming within minutes of the opening credits (which covers most action-oriented films intended for mass appeal). Since PotC promised extended opportunities to look at Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in wet pirate clothes, I didn't think I could go wrong.

I am not sure there is a whole lot more to say. Corny skeletor FX. Jousting. Boring fiesty heroine. Rum. Arrr matey. A trunk of plundered loot. Parrots. Monkeys in clothing. Orlando Bloom in wet pirate clothes. Mmmm. Johnny Depp listing to one side in a weird, ironic, affected portrayal of inebriated swashbuckling zaniness. His clothes stayed pretty dry. Damn.

Two stars.

On a related note, I would really not say no to casting Orlando Bloom in a sequel to "Blue Lagoon."

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