Secret Window

Starring: Johnny Depp and John Turturro, Jedi master of weird character acting (actually this comment sort of applies to Johnny Depp also)

Stars:

As previous reviews testify, I like to look at Johnny Depp, and any of his movies gets a courtesy star on Depp factor alone. That said, he was clearly in this one (and Curse of the Bad Skeletor FX) for the cash.

Secret Window is allegedly based on one of the teeming masses of Stephen King short stories sitting out there festering on thousands of corporate bookstore shelves. It features Depp (with a scene-stealing two-toned bed-head hairstyle) staggering around inside of the stock Spooky Cabin in a robe that looks like it was made from torn Guatemalan pant remnants, and lapsing into narcoleptic, divorce-induced daytime naps. I had to thank jesus when I saw that this character, allegedly a writer, used a laptop and not a typewriter, the latter being a wildly absurd writerly affectation used in all movie scenes about writers.

As the horror machine cranks into gear, we are treated to a screwdriver stuck in Chico, the dog with cataracts, a sinister black hat, several murders with common yardworking implements, and an insanely repeated phrase a'la all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, from that other movie about a writer who goes around the bend in a deserted locale, by who was it again... oh yeah, Stephen King. There is a spookadoodle twist that I am loath to reveal, and so I fear this brings us to the end of our review. Conclusion? Whether seeing Johnny Depp in a Foghorn Leghorn hairdo and ripped terrycloth is worth $5 to 8 bucks to you is something you will have to grapple with alone. For me, it was almost worth it.

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