June
2004 | Confessions of an indoor cat owner
Good god tiny dog, you have an indoor cat? Just look at her! She looks miserable. It's time we sat down for an interview with you to get to the root of this ungodly, cat-stifling behavior and set you on the path to free-roaming cat righteousness.
Q: Don't you realize that it is every cat's god given right to run unfettered across gravel driveways and under parked volkswagon Touregs, otherwise known as their natural environment?
A: I don't believe in God, which is convenient in many ways. Next question.
Q: You realize that indoor cats become neurotic and obese when you deny them the right to experience pavement, speeding Chevy Suburbans, and angry gardening neighbors, don't you?
A: Thanks for the information. I will try to explain this to Mo. It looks like she didn't get the memo.
Q: But, I have strong unfocused feelings about the theoretical free-roaming emotional needs of cats while remaining unconcerned about their physical safety.
A: Tell it to the humane society, I am sure they'd like to hear all about it.
Q: Um, all the cats I know are outdoor cats. So, your cat isn't like this, and I feel very uncomfortable when people don't do things the way I arbitrarily experienced them growing up.
A: I have the number of a good therapist for you. By the way, please watch the door. As you may have surmised, this is how cats usually get outside.
Q: But I really like leaving doors hanging wide open for some reason that I can't articulate now that I think about it.
A: Envision yourself crawling face down in wood chips for an hour, calling to a cat hiding underneath the deck, a cat who maddeningly crawls from one side of the deck to another, but refuses to emerge, and strangely doesn't seem to be having all that much fun. This is a true story. Now close the door.
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