 Myself and four members of the elite tiny dog inner circle placed ourselves in the path of the g-force money vacuum known as Vegas this weekend, and were hastily hoovered of all collective coin up to the forced limo ride to the airport and the last hurrah at the America West terminal slots, so that we could bring you this exclusive glossary of handy Vegas terms, that may or may not apply to your future Vegas situation.
The sweet, sweet coin
The evasive, ethereal object of a gambler's desire, and in a larger sense, whatever it is that you really want for your life, that remains plainly visible, but cruelly out of reach. It is critical to insert this phrase incessantly into any number of possible permutations, with bonus points for high-flown, Kenlike turns of phrase: "Mother Vegas will not be sated until she has availed us of the sweet, sweet coin."
The sweet frosting of hope on the cake of despair
A Ken-described "basic metaphor" describing the sheen of optimism that the Nup can sometimes expertly dollop upon cranky, logistical group dynamics.
CujoNup
A secret, menacing alter ego of the Nup's, that you may only see once a decade (I have, since 1987, seen it twice) in which a notoriously agreeable nupper suddenly bitch-slaps a scam-peddling scoundrel (in this case, a limo driver trying to shake our group down for an extra 20 bucks) with contentious and firmly delivered phrases such as "Now you're changing the deal," and, in a 90's era attack on a long distance phone charge huckster: "I'm on to you... I'm going to sue your ***."
Lady Vegas a.k.a. Mother Vegas
The deity-like personification of the whorish impulse to squander your money against the spurious odds of winning more. At some point in a Vegas weekend, Ms. Vegas makes the sordid transformation from a Lady to a Mother in one's lexicon, as happened this time.
Boozicorn
An elusive, silvery creature, usually male, that can abruptly canter onto the scene anywhere alcohol is served. Legend has it that the hooves of the boozicorn are made of discarded domestic beer caps, and its horn is shaped like an Eiffel Tower souvenir drink cup.
Kneecapped
When a pit boss absconds you to the basement for cheating on the casino floor, and shatters your kneecaps with a pipe wrench. In a more general sense, the basic consequence of any given regrettable activity: "I was kneecapped by the "Scar Fish" slot machine at Bally's."
Oui, oui
A mandatory utterance to be repeated frequently when at the Paris Las Vegas hotel, as the only (questionably) French phrase known by the average American, thanks to Pepé Le Pew. Bonus points for saying oui oui in an elevator car full of your fellow guests.
The Eye Test
An eye-based measure of sobriety that can be leveled upon you by an off duty officer of the law, if she happens to be with your party and you happen to have slammed a small bottle of Maker's Mark before dinner. Odds of passing are lower than coming out ahead at Caesar's Palace after any five tries at Caveman Keno.
Pixel in the wall
Yet another metaphoric talisman of our collectively doomed quest for the unattainable, in this case represented by the first video game "easter egg," a legendary pixel embedded in the walls of the Atari 2600 game Adventure in the mists of video game prehistory. The pursuit of this yeti-like pixel was coincidentally demonstrated to those of us in Vegas this weekend by Ken, who brought a Jakks Atari Controller game, which Nup projected upon a hotel bed sheet held in place by ball point pen clips.
The cry of the boozicorn
The distinctive call of the boozicorn (it sounds a little bit like "don't be a f**cker!"), uttered as a challenge to fellow members of the herd. More often than not, one or more boozicorns may be spotted bobbing in the hotel pool the following day with a bandaged hoof or black eye.
The splintered hate rod
A reference to a sociopathic teenager's virtual weaponry, that can generally apply to any situation in which you are being metaphorically bludgeoned, as may happen financially on the Casino floor or at any number of spendy Vegas tourist attractions.
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