a guest column by our political correspondent, Citizen Scott

These days, you hear a lot of people saying that Senator John Kerry would make a fine president. But while it's true that Mr. Kerry does have many admirable qualities, one shouldn't forget about the accomplishments of our current President, George W. Bush. Too often, we take our current leaders for granted, while indulging in fleeting infatuations with the newest political Johnny-come-lately. The responsible voter should ask him or herself: do we really want to change horses in midstream? Especially when we've been riding such a fine horse as George W. Bush? So, for those of you who have been too busy with work, the kids, or Internet porn to reflect on what four more years of a George W. Bush presidency would mean for you, here are 10 things we can all count on if we elect George W. Bush to a second term in office:

1. More terrorist attacks. Honestly, what could be better for America than more devastating terrorist attacks? As we have seen, a good 9/11-style terrorist attack on American soil can bring the country together and strengthen our resolve, as well as rid us of unsightly skyscrapers. Let's face it: any president, upon receiving repeated warnings of an impending terrorist attack on the continental United States, along with rumors that terrorist were looking to use hijacked airplanes as weapons, could have taken the easy way out and ordered immediate and drastic countermeasures to be taken. It takes a truly wise and far-seeing leader to instead say, as President Bush did, "I'm sorry, those threats just aren't specific enough. You'll have to tell me exactly when and where these terrorists are planning to attack, and then I'll consider taking action." Thanks to President Bush's patience and foresight (not to mention his frequent and lengthy vacations), we were all able to benefit from the most deadly and destructive attack on American soil since the War of 1812. And if we elect George W. Bush to another term, who knows how many more inspirational and patriotism-building terrorist atrocities might be allowed to happen? I for one, can't wait to find out.
   
2. More arsenic in our drinking water. Yum! Actually, under a Bush presidency, we can expect more of many different kinds of toxic chemicals in our water, our food, and in the air we breathe. That's because George W. Bush, unlike those so-called "scientists" or "concerned Americans with kids", knows that there can be no greater crime than to interfere with a giant corporation's God-given right to make obscene profits. Environmental regulations, food safety codes, air quality standards - all of these are sneaky ways that the do-gooders and the tree-huggers try to undermine the American system of Free Enterprise. But with George W. Bush in the White House, all of their socialistic, anti-business efforts will come to naught. And meanwhile, we'll all get tougher, as we learn to stomach various cancer-causing chemicals in our water, growth hormones and pesticides in our food, and fluorocarbons in our air. Remember, whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
   
3. More foreigners hating America. This is a good thing. By making the rest of the world angrier than ever at Americans, George W. Bush is helping us all avoid the temptation to go on expensive and frequently disappointing foreign vacations. Trust me, we're better off spending our hard-earned tourist dollars here at home. Even our once-friendly allies like Germany and Japan have had it up to here with our shenanigans. Well, who needs 'em? They're just jealous because we're the greatest country on earth, and because we have a leader like George W. Bush, who won't be pushed around by these lesser, wussier countries.
   
4. More government secrets. From on-the-sly energy policy meetings to Reagan-era Oval Office tape recordings, the George W. Bush administration has kept more things hidden from public view, without any plausible justification, than any presidential administration since the Richard M. Nixon days. I think it's safe to say we can expect more of the same in a second term, which is good news for all of us who find government papers and policies boring. Who wants to know what the government is up to, anyway? Certainly not me!
   
5. More dead foreigners. I don't know about you, but I won't feel safe until every man, woman or child on the face of the earth who could conceivably be a threat to the United States, is dead. Thank God we now have a President who feels the same way. George W. Bush has already wiped out tens of thousands of potentially dangerous Arabs, in both Iraq and Afghanistan (wait, are Afghanis even Arabs? Who knows?). Given another four years, there's no end to how many more vaguely frightening foreigners he can kill. One more side benefit: the more people we kill, the more food, water, and oil will be left over for us! This planet is getting awfully crowded, you know. The less competition we have, the better.
   
6. Happier, more productive terrorists. Let's face it; terrorism has never had a better friend than George W. Bush. After decades of being ignored and neglected, suddenly everyone is talking about them! It's safe to say that "terrorism" is the word on everyone's lips today, and President George W. Bush is a big part of that. His response to 9/11 alone was masterful. It's common knowledge that every time terrorists plan a spectacular terrorist attack like the one on 9/11, their biggest worry is that the target country will respond in a civilized, proportionate manner, thus making the terrorists seem even more evil, bloodthirsty, and inhumane by comparison. But luckily for them, they didn't have to worry about that happening with George W. Bush in power! Instead, thanks to the United States invading the Middle East, killing tens of thousands of innocent people, and throwing hundreds more in jail with no legal rights whatsoever, suddenly people everywhere are saying, "Wow, al Qaeda was right all along! America is evil!"   And now, some of them have even decided to join terrorist organizations themselves! Thanks, George W. Bush!
   
7. More flip-flopping. John Kerry claims he's the master of flip-flops, but he has nothing on our current commander-in-chief. Before he became President, George W. Bush claimed that he had no interest in "nation-building"; now he's building two - count 'em - TWO nations at the same time! (He's doing a half-assed job of it, but still). He opposed the creation of the Department of Homeland Security; then; when that position made him look bad, he created one.   He didn't want there to be a 9/11 Commission and obstructed it at every turn; then, once he saw it was going to happen anyway, he decided that he had actually supported it all along. He swore he was going to capture Osama Bin Laden and bring him to justice; then when it proved too difficult to capture him, he said that he wasn't really that concerned about Osama Bin Laden personally. This is exactly the kind of skillful political maneuvering and sensitivity to the tides of public opinion that we need in a leader. John Kerry may like to claim that he would make just as inconsistent and vacillating a president as George W. Bush, but can we really afford to take that chance? With President Bush, we can always count on him to change his policies as situations develop, or to at least hide the truth about situations, so that he won't have to change his policies. See what I mean? That's leadership!
   
8. More dead American soldiers. Thanks to George W. Bush's invasion of Iraq, we have found a perfect way to get rid of our surplus population of impressionable, misguidedly patriotic young men and women, as well as those who just wanted a free college education. Who needs those kinds of people, anyway? Well, thanks to President Bush, we can thin out their ranks with Operation Iraqi Freedom, Operation Iraqi Deathtrap, Operation We're Never Gonna Leave, or whatever they're calling it now.
   
9. The super-wealthy will be able to keep more of their money. Who works harder than super-rich people? Nobody! Those people you see digging ditches and picking tomatoes in the fields, they have it easy - you haven't experienced hard work until you've spent an afternoon making a hostile takeover bid over a round of golf, or deciding how many of your employees to lay off while sunning yourself on your private yacht. Thanks to George W. Bush, these hard-working Americans will pay less taxes than ever, leaving the rest of us lazy good-for-nothings to pick up the tab for whatever meager government services remain. It's only right and just, if you ask me. Why should the rich be forced to help their fellow Americans? Don't they do enough by just being a living inspiration to us all?
   
10. More utterly fantastic lies. How can a president expect to get anything done if he's forced to tell the truth about his real motives? Thankfully, George W. Bush won't let facts get in the way of doing what he really wants to do. From pretending that global warming doesn't exist, to claiming that the Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, to asserting that Afghanistan and Iraq are now "democracies", President Bush has shown again and again that a totally outrageous lie can be the perfect antidote to all those pesky naysayers and question-askers. And as George W. Bush knows, the best thing about a fantastic lie is that even when it's so ridiculous and unbelievable that anybody who has the slightest bit of knowledge or experience can immediately tell it's a falsehood, it can still fool the average, poorly-informed American voter. It's win-win!

There are many other reasons to vote for George W. Bush, of course, but space limitations preclude listing them all. Hopefully, this list has given you food for thought. In choosing a President, we should all ask ourselves, "What can this guy do for me?"   I think this list shows that George W. Bush can do a lot, for every one of us. Let's remember that on November 2nd!

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