Ok, shut up, just shut up already. I know that this show sucks, and watching TV is bourgeois, and all the rest of it. Aren't you clever for pointing all of this out.

Ok, there I go, talking to myself again.

Although it's not yet the end of Season 2, I really wish it was, and so I am going to provide you with the O.C. Season 2 character roundup, just to get this death march out of the way. As you know, we've been over this before, if you want to start at Season 1 first.

Ryan

Oh, Pony Boy. His hair, once again, started out tolerable early in the season, but is growing into one of those awful long bowl cut shags, like you might have seen on the Lawrence brothers in the 80's, before Joey started losing his hair. This character was weird and rudderless this season, shunted from Chino bad boy plots to rehashed Dawson's Creek lab partner storylines, without ever really finding his footing. At least they kept him away from the disgusting Mischa Barton. That said, the bottom line is, he's easy on the eyes, plus, you can tell, there is a glimmer of irony in his performance.

As a versimilitude-related bonus, I think at one point, they actually had him making out with Lindsay to a Journey song. Finally, something that makes sense on this show. You just know that Ryan, with his down-market, classic rock sensibilities, would never electively go see some sucky Xbox-rock band like The Killers at that godforsaken Bait Shop, unless Seth made him go for some convoluted plotline involving improbably hot women.

Verdict: Pass

Seth

My eyes are still partially blinded from the scene where he wore the wife beater, as part of that idiotic "we've switched places" meta garbage they keep doing with him and Ryan all season. We want to see them make out, not switch places, for christ's sake.

And, I won't even touch the awful Spiderman thing, are you kidding me? And the cutesy Kavalier and Clay references that none of the viewers probably get because that book is too damned boring to finish? (I would know, I've read half of it twice now.) Plus, have we finally proven my point, that it is just no use to put this kid into romantic plot lines? He is too obviously in love with himself to have enough chemistry with women. They should, however, consider having him hook up with Pony Boy.

Verdict: Fail

Marissa

The only good thing you can say about her is that she wasn't as prominent this season, as the creators tried to cleanse her character flaws with fewer scenes and the white noise of season 2 cast changes.

Why again is this actress liberally splattered all over the entertainment magazine fashion columns when Rachel Bilson is about 1,000 times more interesting and attractive?

Verdict: Fail, obviously. And please stop greeting everyone with, "Hey." The horse connotations, I mean, it's bad enough as it is.

Summer

Is looking haggard and has dark circles under her eyes. Where did her boobs go? Why again do men think this kind of drastic weight loss thing is hot? Oh but, she has such pretty eyes. I'm a sucker for brown eyes. Nature has cheated me.

Verdict: Pass, but for christ's sake, eat a sandwich.

Sandy

Uh, well, he seems to be really busy with all kinds of weirdo B-list plotlines, too busy in fact to be interesting. Oh my god, and, I almost forgot, the singing at the Bait Shop. I hate to do this, but

Verdict: Fail

Kiki... Kirsten... whatever

Oh cheer up, gloomy gus. Jesus. All she does is glower and pout, and flat iron her hair. Plus there was that scene in the valentine's episode, where she showed up in the cocktail dress with her arms all buffed and her body all gaunt and yet, at the same time, mannish and built, and the husband actually screamed in terror, my husband, I mean.

Verdict: Barely passing

Caleb

Pretty much sick of Caleb. Why can't this guy have any sex scenes? I mean let's make it interesting, people.

Verdict: Fail

Julie

I kind of enjoy her daytime soap antics actually, since this show is just the smoking rubble of a once entertaining premise, and at least it looks like this actress is trying to have a little fun with it before the network street sweeper comes along. I love it when she calls Kirsten Kiki, for example.

Verdict: Pass

Random revolving door of tertiary characters

Rebecca

A puffy, surgically altered Kim Delaney, unconvincingly mooning around for Sandy in a few episodes, in that uncompelling way that OC characters have of trying to take action on some vague goal before randomly disappearing. Plus her dad died just sitting up on a park bench.Who dies like that?

Carter

Oh jesus. The OC has become a sort of guest star retirement home for middle aged actors who once had promise, but have been rendered hard to recognize by weird plastic surgery accidents. This guy, once appealing on Once and Again, has had something inexplicably feminizing done to the tip of his nose, and now he looks like one of the Whos, in the Jim Carrey version of Grinch. His hip old man affectations, the Husker Du t-shirt, and the brooding to Debaser, oh, it was just too much. Plus, I have to say, I know this is a soap opera and all, but marriage is really not fraught with so many constant challenges, key parties, guys like Carter, or puffy Kim Delaney fugitives, give me a break.

D.J.

I remain stunned that the casting department can't find an actor who is taller than Mischa Barton anywhere in Hollywood. I understand though that finding someone who has chemistry with her would actually involve some scouting or something, so i don't really blame this kid for seeming wooden and pointless in his scenes with her. Wouldn't you?

Alex

Kind of hot actually, liked it when she threw a beer can at Ryan's head. I wish that Chino was a spinoff series, and she and her ratty apartment were in it (Chino would be a hit. Why doesn't anyone in Hollywood ever listen to me?).

Of course, they had to send Alex away after a scant handful of episodes, by abruptly changing the plot, and her character's behavior, since this is the only trick in the notably talentless O.C. scriptwriting team's bag.

Lindsay

Kinda mousy and whiny, and elvin, but great cleavage, and gets to grope Ryan, how bad can it be? In an unpredictable turn of events, they abruptly changed the plot and her character's behavior to suddenly send her away after a scant handful of episodes, after setting up a ridiculous plotline whereby she was related to everyone onscreen.

Zach

Totally boring and white alpha male, and pearly-toothed and pollyanna, and feathery-haired, where is the comb in his back pocket, but somehow he was kind of appealing, only because everyone else sucks so incredibly. As if Summer would electively bag Seth Cohen over this guy. Right. Josh Schwartz has such a pathetic Mary Sue revisionist history thing going on with the Seth Cohen thing. Anyway, if I were Summer, I would have given Zach a go, if you know what I'm saying.

Porn tape guy... Lance?

I mean, this guy walked right off the set of some old warhorse daytime soap to deliver his lines. Shouldn't there be some sort of semi-permeable membrane between daytime soaps and nighttime soaps that this guy was just too farcical to cross?

Trey

What did I tell you, people? That we'd see Trey in season 2 when the writers felt it was time for a little Chino backsliding, right. Except that, a totally random and less-adequate actor stepped into this thankless role (I can't believe Ryan didn't notice, suddenly, that his brother was some totally different guy. Maybe that's why he wasn't in a hurry to hug Trey when they picked him up from juvy). Unfortunately, the implied Chinoian menace of Trey entering the Cohen's world instantly collapsed after one bitch slapping session in a clothing boutique, and there he was, slicing bagels with the gang. It's like the creators of this show can't stand to make viewers feel uncomfortable about a plot development for longer than two commercial breaks.

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