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The bees
| May 2001
Tonight,
they die.
Today I fretted
all afternoon about what do do about the bees. I have done
some research and guessed these invading creatures to in fact
be baldfaced hornets. I have learned a few interesting
facts about these beasts I'd like to share:
 Their
nests are usually build in trees or on eaves of homes (or, in
our case, right above the mailbox, inches from the front
door). The nests are made up of several combs surrounded by
a paper shell. Apparently an all-female squadron of drones spend
all of their time chewing up plants and wood and spitting it
out to form these spheres of ill-repute. - Nests
are built in the spring, from April to May. Thus we have ourselves
a starter nest about the size of a tangerine, which apparently
has the potential of growing to attain the size of a beach
ball by August or September, after which time all the hornets
die and the nest is not reinhabited. Top adult populations can
number over a thousand.
- Baldfaced
hornets, which are actually a type of yellowjacket, are very
aggressive, can sting people many times, and eat live insects
for lunch. Hornet sentries, which hang out at the mouths of
nests, tend to dive-bomb would-be intruders engaged in suspicious
activities like getting the mail. Apparently these sentries
release some kind of chemical which incites mass hornet attacks.
Tonight,
the husband and I went to fred Meyer to buy some Fred Meyer
brand hornet spray after learning that pest control removal
of said beasts costs about $150, half the
price of this freaking software I am using right now.
Tonight,
I am sending him out into the night to kill them due to
my overwhelming fear of bees, second only to my overwhelming fear
of dying in a car accident. Common bee-killing wisdom reccommends
a nocturnal nest ambush, and so, late this evening, armed with
Fred Meyer brand wasp spray and a Mag light indirectly applied
to the nest opening, he will attack!
To his credit
he seems completely unconcerned about this.
Angry
bee writes tiny dog to set record straight
It would
apear that in response to yesterday's call for global bee death,
a certain bee took great offense and
penned a vitrolic diatribe, just received today in the offices
of tiny dog. in this letter, said bee does no less than make the
following stinging commentary against tiny dog and its anti-bee
views:
"It
would be a shame if genocidal, knee-jerk views such as yours inflamed
the fires of inter-species hatred, and caused some future tragedy."
Make haste
to the letters page to hear the bee out. For some perspective,
let us hark back to...
The
offending rant
 SPEAKING
of bugs... OH the horror of this.... there is one of those beige,
spherical hornet's nests being constructed as I type right
above the front door to my house... also stay tuned as I detail
the horrifying and inevitable encounter between this swarming
hive of vengeful stinging beasts and some kind of unethical
bee-killing chemical I will soon purchase at Fred Meyer.
There is
one thing I firmly believe that is slightly misaligned with the
rest of my value system, and that is this: all bees must die.
Silence, critics! No ecological platitudes nor honey-flavored
treats will dissuade me from this view
Back
to rants index!
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