November
2001|
Fall
TV update
Apparently
we Americans, if the media is to be believed, are cipro-swallowing,
plane-fearing, frivolity-shunning, hazmat suit-wearing, flag-wrapped
terrorphobes, hanging on every word of the occasional "we will
smoke them out of their holes" speech from the president.
However,
you know and I know that we are still living normal lives and watching
TV even though the true fact is, all network TV shows suck, with
few exceptions, for the following reasons:
- Laugh
track
- Overacting
- Overemphasis
on cheesy sex appeal of female stars
- Too
much screen time devoted to melodramatic embarrassing characters
under 21
- Distractingly
unrealistic behavior depicted in the workplace or elsewhere
- Need
for each show to outdo the last in terms of drama and seriousness
Probably
99% of network shows I can think of suffer from three or more symptoms
of suckiness. Let me grab the first shows that pop into my head:
Ally
McBeal
Hate
this show. For god's sake someone do something about Calista Flockhart.
She looks like death.
- Overacting.
If synchronized dancing in the coed bathroom is not overacting,
I don't know what is.
- Overemphasis
on cheesy sex in general. It is the focus of every show.
- Unrealistic
workplace behavior. See the above two items, synchronized
dancing in the bathroom and constant sexual come-ons between coworkers
(seemingly in place of any actual work behavior). That SO does
not happen at my job, thank the sweet lord, I don't know about
yours.
ER
and The X-Files
Each
one of these two show must be written up for at least three counts'
worth apiece of trying to outdo the previous episode in terms
of drama and seriousness to the point of total absurdity. Viewers
of both shows have long since grown numb to alien invasions, psychotic
gunmen, biohazardous death, hostage-taking, and all of the other
seemingly daily hazards of life in the ER or FBI. A clear sign of
a once-popular show screaming for attention. Both of these shows
need to be put down, and soon.
I could go
on about these hellish programs, but let's face it, you and I have
already spent too much time watching them anyway. Instead, I will
offer a few alternate suggestions:
 Animal
Precinct (Animal
Planet)
Heroic ASPCA
Humane Law Enforcement Agents Lucas and Sandano bust the chops of
New York punks who starve rottweilers in junkyards and beat their
cats. They kick ass, and animals get saved. My favorite show.
 Primetime
Glick (Comedy Central)
Just when you
thought Martin Short's career as funny person ended over ten years
previously with the "Ed Grimley" thing (what WAS that
about?) , he busts out with weird, disoriented, bloated talk show
host Jiminy Glick, who lampoons the stupidness of the talk show
genre in his creepy three-octave voice. You may not like this show
at first, but then suddenly, you will.
 Absolutely
Fabulous (Comedy Central)
Used to watch
this show in college; it's apparently now back on the air! Frightening
satirical British comedy about aging, drunken, pratfalling, venom-spewing
fashionistas Patsy and Edina. If you have never seen it you are
really missing out. Satire, and thus humor, is something sorely
lacking in the common American comedy.
Back
to rants index!
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