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June
2003 | HUMANZEE!
Note, May 2004: If you have come to this page because you've done a Yahoo search for the word Humanzee, let's stop for a moment and contemplate the reality that you are spending your finite lifespan searching a morass of networked computers for probably illegitimate information about a chimp-human hybrid. I will pause while you take stock of your life and where it is headed. It doesn't look good, people.
Ok well maybe I wrote a senseless rant about Humanzee myself, just last year, as you are about to read. But in my defense it was more of a rant about a symbol for the cruelty of the human race and the banality of shock tv. Ok whatever I was writing about Humanzee. Just do me a favor and take this opportunity to visit the tiny dog site itself, which covers many more ridiculous and questionable topics than just the matter of this bipedal, toilet-using victim of the voracious American appetite for lurid entertainment.
On with the rant... ***
Right
now I am watching a show called HUMANZEE about an
alleged chimp - human hybrid named Oliver, who has a tiny
head and a propensity to walk upright and use the toilet. Think
about this for a minute. I am sitting here, watching a show called
HUMANZEE. That is all I can think to do with life.
So,
at one point the humanzee is left in a tiny cage at a research
facility for nine years. Can I take this sidebar to gather all
two of my readers together in a moment of silence for all of the
arrogant and heartless things humans do to animals in the name
of, well, the arrogant, sucky, cold-bloodedness of humans? I hate
all of us.
Oh
crap this rant has no point or purpose, and is wandering from
bunnies to humanzees to grim screeds on the planetary scourge
that is mankind. But in this era of chest beating, flag waving,
self aggrandizing Americana I think all of us should declare a
personal Day of Shame commemorating all of the sad crappy things
humans do and are. Really every last one of us deserves to be
taken down by a wild pack of humanzees and beaten senseless.
Oh
lord I am starting to snap. Scientists are insisting that Oliver
is merely a mutant and not in fact a humanzee. This is in Oliver's
best interest because, as I have pointed out, humans are the only
animals capable of things like ritualistic serial murder and priestly
pedophilia and if any beast could keep that kind of baggage out
of his DNA sequence then he might want to do just that.
Ok
I will quit trashing your precious humans already. If questioned
about this rant I will blame the dual influences of HUMANZEE and
a box of Almond Pocky Cream, purchased at Don
Quixote, a sort of overwhelming, vast, neon Japanese Pic-n-Save
I visited last week on a business trip.
Go
to the Don Quixote site. I dare you to make sense of what you
see. Go ahead, try the English link. It won't help you.
The
only other things I did in Japan this time are as follows:
- Ride
in taxis with cab drivers who consistently questioned me in
Japanese as to the whereabouts of the Microsoft office in Daitabashi,
to which I could only offer a Japanese map of the destination
and, "Nihongo ga wakarimasen," I don't understand
Japanese
- Go
to office, freak out over Japan content strategy, and delete
e-mails (nothing unusual here)
- Walk
to Family Mart for lunch and buy Soba and Junryo milk candy
- Lie
awake in hotel watching inscrutable talk shows featuring panels
of crazily dressed young people and shows about shiba inu dogs
competing in strange contests
So
now HUMANZEE has ended inconclusively, and now there is this commercial
on TV where some chintzy woman with a spiral perm and lipstick
outside of her lip line is beckoning creepy males across the land
to call a 1-900 line and spend $5.99 a minute to talk to someone
actually not her, in fact, actually much less attractive than
her, but it's OK since he would actually knowingly pay $5.99 a
minute to pretend she is someone else.
Men,
let's have a talk. I think your gender can do better than this
kind of thing. No, really. If you have to pay for it, you are
not doing it right.
Well
this humanzee is going to turn in for the night. I have nothing
else to express with my rudimentary chimp-human grasp of linguistics
at this point. Goodnight.
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