Lemon Pie | 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

I stood slouched over the toilet and hoped to puke, I knew I had to, it just didn't happen. My head was racing and twirling, screaming and mocking, doing a damned loop-de-loop. I was just barely able to comprehend my situation and I knew...I knew it was bad. I struggled to get my shorts down past my knees, sat down on the toilet and hoped to blow this wretched poison out of my ass pronto. Out you Lemon Pie!

It didn't happen, it wasn't going to happen, I could just tell. I was reaching the end of whatever my brain was rushing towards, I stood up when I heard Patti's knock, and she was asking me if I was all right and my first thought about that was "no, I'm not." I remember distinctly thinking about not wanting to die on the bathroom floor, like Elvis, all fat and bloated. I opened the door, pants around my ankles and calmly told Patti that I thought that I was going to die, I think I might even have hoped to die at some point and I certainly believed at that time that I was dying. By the wild and far away look in my eyes Patti could tell that I wasn't kidding, she was convinced.

I shuffled down our narrow hallway toward the bedroom, pants swishing and tripping me across the floor, literally and figuratively bouncing off the walls, bare-assed. As I made it through the bedroom door I passed out, pitched forward and hit my neck on the edge of a cabinet and settled into a heap on the floor.

The next thing that I remember, Patti was talking to 911 and I was hugging the floor. It was like, if I could just burrow a little deeper into that carpet that I could actually find some purchase in reality. I gripped that floor with everything I had, with my arms and legs and even my face. I started to feel better and my head stopped rushing. I lifted my head up, chin on the carpet and could see Patti on the phone through the hallway. I was still hugging the floor; my pants were still around my ankles but at that moment I thought that I just might live. Patti asked me if I wanted an ambulance and I said no. I think that I would have rather died than to have anyone see me like this.

Next page | in the back of my mind I knew that there was still some unfinished business
1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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